I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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