I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
