...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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