I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
