Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
