Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
