Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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