new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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