I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I smell stomach acid.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
