I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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