do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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