I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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