Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
