guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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