I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
