Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
