Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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