Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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