i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
