I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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