I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
