So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
