I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
How naked do you want me to be?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
