...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
