So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
