The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
