Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
