I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
