I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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