Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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