I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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