FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
