U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
