SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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