i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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