Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
