I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This toilet bowl is my home.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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