I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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