a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
