Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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