I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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