I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
