How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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