I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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