Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
