just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
