Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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