nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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