Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
