I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
