Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.