I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.