Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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