I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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