apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
