you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i believe in u and ur pee
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
