Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
