so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
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the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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